The Taylor Swift Boyfriend Axis
I don’t listen to Taylor Swift’s music. It’s not that I dislike it or her in any way, just that I’ve never really been interested. A song of hers may come on the radio while I’m driving, and I won’t necessarily change the station, but I definitely will not start having a James Corden style sing-along moment.
I also do not actively pursue the news regarding Swift. I would much rather focus on the lives of countless other celebrities. And yet, it seems like she’s always managing to find a way into my life. Every corner I turn, Swift-related news seems to be popping up and smacking me right in the face. It’s almost as if the websites I visit know I don’t care about T-Swizzle news, so they decide to shove it directly into my eyeballs.
While most of the news doesn’t garner much of a response from me (although the rest of the world seems to be constantly fighting a Swiftian war), one constant aspect of her life, for whatever reason, does really capture my attention:
Her serial monogamy.
For as long as I can remember during her relevancy, Swift has been romantically linked with someone. Whether it’s a quick affair, a la Leo and Kate in Titanic, or one that somewhat persists, there is always a beau. My girl Swifty just doesn’t like to be alone, which is a very relatable trait these days.
The list of her exes is a truly glorious sight. She has dated boy band ringleaders, colossal movie stars, and a DJ. She has dated Brits, Americans, and a motherfuckin’ Kennedy to boot. She has an innate ability to ALWAYS BE DATING.
How long did she wait after dumping Calvin Harris to initiate her new romantic endeavour with the skyrocketing Tom Hiddleston? Was there a couple-of-days period in between? A few hours? Or did she immediately hit Tom with the “sup cutie” text after hanging up the phone on the love-grieving Calvin???
And furthermore, Swift looks like she may have finally hit a boyfriend pinnacle with Hiddleston. There was really only one way to find out whether or not this thought was true: by crafting The Taylor Swift Boyfriend Axis. It is, dare I say it, a monumental moment in the history of celebrity dating.
Eight boyfriends were put on the axis. A deep-dive into the pasts of these boyfriends was conducted, and several of my closest friends were polled on the attractiveness of each contestant. Non-famous BF’s and rumoured flings were left off. Also, the axis was made purple because of Swift’s affinity for the colour.
I learned a lot while Googling Swift’s past relationships and ex-boyfriends. Some notes from my findings:
- Jake Gyllenhaal was unanimously voted as the most attractive of her boyfriends. May Jake G’s reign as a classy OG movie star live on in the hearts of all.
- Who the fuck is Conor Kennedy? Surely I’m not the only one who has never heard of the guy. I don’t care if you’re related to JFK, Obama, and George Washington combined, there’s a reason you’re on the bottom left corner of the axis.
- Are John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, and Harry Styles all related?
- Taylor Lautner was once a very relevant star. Taylor Lautner is no longer even close to being a very relevant star. RIP Taylor Lautner, the once relevant star.
- I don’t dislike or like Calvin Harris. Nothing against him. He’s just there, like that box of Cheerios in my cupboard I occasionally eat.
- John Mayer is a douche.
Wendy Williams thinks Tom Hiddleston is an opportunist. He is capitalizing on his current stardom by dating one of pop’s largest mega-stars. Who cares.
This is a guy who is the odds-on favourite to be cast as the next James Bond. He also has a recurring role in the Marvel Universe, his own AMC mini-series, and the lead in next year’s King Kong origin flick. In other words, he’s doing fairly well.
So again, I ponder: Has T-Swift, at 26, reached the pinnacle of her illustrious dating career?
It’s hard to top Jake G, who leads the Taylor Swift Boyfriend Power Rankings I just made in my head, but Hiddleston is still a pretty good bet. If they stick it out (very doubtful), it’s a W for both parties. If not, there are a ton of eligible bachelors out there to further boost Swift’s boyfriend trajectory. Michael B. Jordan anyone? Kit Harrington? Anything is possible. Long live Swift’s serial dating.
