The Leading Celebrity Couples
Introducing the “Likeable Celebrity Couple Pantheon”
I sometimes scroll through Chrissy Teigen’s Instagram, on days where I am passing the time in as unproductive a manner as is possible. Occasionally, but less often, I also choose to scroll through her hubby’s Instagram, John Legend, which is a tad less interesting than Chrissy’s but still filled with enough quality that I don’t feel like I’m wasting my precious scrolling time.
I enjoy scrolling through her page for a variety of reasons. Obviously, she is beautiful and seems like a very charming human being. She has an endearingly goofy quality to her. Her child, Luna, seems like an incredibly dope baby, a baby who I’d for sure want to kick it with at the sandbox, and one who is also far cuter than I have been at any point in my life. She cooks a lot (Chrissy, not the baby), and her food usually looks like something you would order at a fancy and delicious restaurant, which means that Julia Child’s spirit probably inhabited her body shortly after passing away.
Also, she has proven to be open on topics like body shaming and postpartum depression. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and generally reflects a very necessary fearless attitude during this era of unfriendly social media shaming. She at times will also act like she does not give a fuck about how society will react to her actions, which will eternally be something that is respected worldwide. An example of this is when she napped during Casey Affleck’s acceptance speech at this year’s Oscars.
But, what speaks out most about Chrissy’s page is how astonishing her and John seem to be together. I am aware that is an incredibly corny thing to admire, but also I don’t give a shit. Playas’ got deep emotions too.
Now, a lot of my own personal rules are broken by instilling heavy meaning into photos that are posted on Instagram, because so much of what’s revealed on social media today is a farce. But with her, for whatever reason, there is an unspoken bond of trust. Imagining a world where her and John aren’t what they seem is implausible. It’s reflected not just through Instagram, but also anytime they pop up literally anywhere together. They’re flawless. They are the real life version of the couple from Pixar’s Up. It’s probable that whenever one of them meets their sad and cruel end, the other one will attach balloons to their mansion and float away into the lonely and boundless channels of the powder blue sky.
Celebrity couples like Chrissy and John are also, more or less, a source of inspiration. They are #couplegoals and #baegoals. They are constantly in the spotlight being analyzed, and any slip ups can mean a crack in the foundation of their relationship being revealed to everyone, only they don’t seem like they’ll have one. An instance of this is something like the infamous elevator incident, a moment where Jay-Z and Beyonce were revealed to be imperfect, just like everybody else.
More importantly though, Chrissy and John are currently shining bright at the top of what shall henceforth be known as the Likeable Celebrity Couple Pantheon. Never heard of it? That’s ok, neither had I prior to creating it. Here are the details:
The Pantheon
This Pantheon is made up of all celebrity couples, new or old, flashy or discrete, mildly famous or full blown Beatles in ‘66 famous. Its purpose is to establish an arrangement of all these couples based on how likeable they are, and by how much joy they bring the general public.
To avoid confusion: this means that the Pantheon is not judging how powerful a couple is, nor is it measuring the dominance they may hold financially or critically or whatever. It is also not judging how good looking they are, because good looking people sometimes get mistaken for really nice, loveable people, which is clearly untrue based on how many times I’ve wanted to kick really good looking people in the face throughout my life.
There are three sections of the Pantheon. There is the section reserved for celebrity couples who are thoroughly unlikeable, which is called the Unlikeable Celebrity Couples Lounge. These couples are not allowed inside the actual Pantheon, because they suck.
Inside the Pantheon are two more sections, the first of which is for celebrity couples who are actually endurable. This section is called the Semi-Likeable Celebrity Couples Party Room. It is reserved for the couples who aren’t quite on the perfect level of a Chrissy and John, but are still people we can put up with. It’s a party room because a party room is better than a lounge. Lounges are boring, and perfect destinations for couples that suck.
Finally, there is the Likeable Celebrity Couples Oasis. This part of the Pantheon is, well, quite obviously for the celebrity couples who are universally adored. If you don’t like these couples at least a bit, maybe it’s time for some serious self-reflection.
Here are some perfect examples of couples belonging in each section of the Pantheon. These couples define the category they live in:
(Zone 1) The Unlikeable Celebrity Couple Lounge
(Kylie Jenner and Tyga): Self explanatory. They are the worst. Their undeserved, mass exposure is the reason past generations have lost faith in Millennials.
*Side Note* When I pitched the idea of this article in one of our Yonge Magazine meetings, there was no disagreement to my saying that Kylie and Tyga were undoubtedly the worst. Time stopped for a second, and not much was said, but all my fellow Yonge staffers were exactly on my wave length.
(Donald and Melania Trump): The face of America’s current crisis state and his Michelle Obama-impersonating sidekick. If this article had been written a few years ago, they would have no place on this list. Melania’s celebrity status just wasn’t where it has skyrocketed to now, what with her First Lady title. But now, they are known worldwide. They are also generally hated worldwide.
(Kanye West and Kim Kardashian): Instances like this are what separate the Likeable Celebrity Couple Pantheon from the Power Celebrity Couple Pantheon, in which Kanye and Kim would stand somewhere near the top. Kanye and Kim are, in many ways, clear pictures of what is wrong with celebrity culture. 2016–17 Ye, and the breakdown celebrity culture can bestow upon one’s psychological well being, could be a topic studied in classrooms 10 years from now. It did not help his image, one that has been steadily declining for a little while now (despite that, his music is still great). And well, Kim is Kim. They can only go up in the pantheon from here.
(Taylor Swift and Anybody): Easy.
(Zone 2) The Semi-Likeable Celebrity Couple Party Room
(The Weeknd and Selena Gomez): Newer couples will not be excluded from the Pantheon. Any couple that has ever coupled will be included (unless you break up, in which case get the fuck out.)
This couple is certainly likeable in some ways. Selena Gomez is cool. House of Balloons was a dope album with infinite come-back-to value, and also The Weeknd is from Toronto so bonus points for that. The reason they can’t be elevated to the top realm of the Pantheon though is quite obvious. They have not been dating long enough, and the romantic flair between them hasn’t really been captured much for the public eye. Also, does anyone really feel like this will last? Justin Bieber and Bella Hadid are lurking somewhere.
(Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively): The most attractive celebrity couple the world has laid eyes on in recent memory (Russell Wilson and Ciara are probably up there too). Imagine if Audrey Hepburn and James Dean had decided to get married in 1950’s Hollywood, because that is basically what happened with this present day consummation of love. They are so beautiful, that If they walked right up to me and asked me to give them all of my money and possessions, I 100 per cent, without question, would.
So why aren’t they in the section of the Pantheon above? Quite simply, there are a couple suspect traits Lively has exhibited, as highlighted in this Time article. Among them, her saying that Reynolds was going to “make a great patriarch.”
(Jason Sudekis and Olivia Wilde): They seem like a storybook celebrity couple, right? No. Terribly wrong. Their initiation into the top tier of the Likeable Celebrity Couple Pantheon cannot be allowed, for the following reason:
After the NBA All-Star Game in Toronto, we crossed paths. They were returning to their hotel, and I was heading to a bar in typical fashion. I noticed them, and instantly asked for a photograph. They shut me down in a manner so harsh, that I began to question the entire existence of nice celebrities. The fact that it was -20 Celsius and any person with any semblance of rationality would’ve understood it wasn’t a proper setting for a photo, really doesn’t matter. Sorry Jason and Olivia.
(Zone 3) The Likeable Celebrity Couple Oasis:
(Chrissy Teigen and John Legend): See first few paragraphs for clarity. They are the best.
(Michelle and Barack Obama): Their relationship only seemed more and more genuine throughout Barry’s two terms in office. They have gotten to a point now where they are probably the most likeable couple in the history of the Oval Office. They are certainly above Bill and Hillary in all aspects, no doubt. (Watch Southside With You for reference.)
(Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis): Their origin story is unparalleled, as the two met on the set of That 70’s Show in 1998. Punk’d was revolutionary. Friends With Benefits is one of the defining romantic comedies of the 2010’s. They routinely sit courtside at Lakers games. The list goes on and on.
(Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi): Ellen reached a level of infinite likeability ages ago. She could date a tree and still be in this level of the Pantheon with ease. Shouts to her and Portia for also being the most instantly recognizable gay couple of this generation.
(Beyoncé and Jay-Z): Elevator scuffle and all. Everyone still loves them (buoyed by Bey’s awareness to their situation on Lemonade), and to put some gravy on their mashed potatoes, Blue Ivy is already more famous than the majority of the population. She legitimately seems like a BAB (Bad Ass Bitch) already, despite the fact that she’s only five. For comparison’s sake, my sister has been trying to become a BAB forever now (she’s 25), and is still not even close.
One last item to consider. The Pantheon is forever in motion, shifting dramatically with every passing day. Chrissy and John could shock the world tomorrow and announce the end to their glorious marriage, or ruin everything even more by becoming Celebrity Couple BFF’s with Tyga and Kylie. No celebrity couple has a safe spot in their respective zone. The Pantheon has spoken.
